A decade ago, I dreamt of the joy and ease that this kind of life would bring. What I’ve found is that it has all of the same joys and burdens as any other life, as any other job.
When I was in the workforce, I would stress about getting tasks done on time and I was accountable to a supervisor. I don’t have those particular stressors anymore. They’ve been replaced by new and different stresses. Getting the kids out the door in the morning, preparing every meal, cleaning the house while the kids are awake, keeping all of my children stimulated with activity, and so on. Stress, expectations, and pressure are just a part of life.
Many women dream of being stay-at-home moms. That’s a wonderful thing. They have workout groups, weekly play-dates, mom-friends, and young mom groups. They plan activities together, share calendars, and form a strong community. Their activities are designed for mothers to connect. The fact that the kids have something to do is an added bonus.
In large part, stay-at-home dads are men without a community. They have friends, but those friends work normal hours. There’s an awkwardness that comes with a man taking his children to one of those mom events. As a result, my daily adult interactions are limited. I could use one of those ready made communities.
The life of the family should always be viewed as a whole unit. Each individual member has gifts, talents, skills, and abilities that they contribute to help the family succeed, together. Regardless of one’s personal contributions, every member is responsible for meeting the needs of the entire family. So while one parent may work outside of the home, that does not excuse them from helping with other household tasks. While one parent may take the lead on daily care for the children, they’re not absolved of responsibility for the financial health of the family. This shared responsibility is what makes the family the basic building block of society. It’s what makes it so strong and so effective.
The family must be built upon a strong marriage. Marriage isn’t easy. There are good days and bad days. Regardless of how one spouse feels emotionally about the other, they can both be confident in their shared love. It’s this strength that reinforces the family. It provides the children the safety they need in order to come to know and understand their world. No family will succeed in having a parent at home if the marriage isn’t solid. It doesn’t have to be perfect, but there has to be the belief that nothing will break the relationship.
Mothers and fathers are the primary educators of their children. They share the responsibility for the academic, moral, and religious education of their children, regardless of their employment status. Day care, babysitters, nannys, grandparents and schools aid in this education, but the parents bear ultimate responsibility. There’s no shirking, no abdicating this lifetime effort.
This book is a work in progress. Every day, I’m learning new lessons and applying new principles. This book is aspirational and starkly pragmatic. It lays out a vision for the perfect fulfillment of my fatherly role, while also laying bare the profound difficulties and shortcomings that I face. This book is an offer of encouragement to those dads who join me as the primary caregiver for their children. It’s a noble and masculine calling. It requires us to give all that we have and requires us to take on objectives and situations to which we are not naturally suited. This is a book about my life as a stay-at-home dad, and what I hope to accomplish in my role. It’s also a book to help other dads transition into this life’s work.
My life is completely different from the one that I had imagined. In my five years as a stay-at-home dad, my family has grown from one child to three. I have encountered stresses and situations that I could not predict. My personality and preferences have adapted on a monthly, daily, and even hourly basis to meet the challenges that I encounter. It’s my hope that this book will help you, and me, thrive.
